Chapter 19

The next morning, Anita woke an hour before her alarm and got out of bed, not daring to look at Herschel and his amazing hair. No sense in making things difficult for herself. She ate a small breakfast quickly and began her exercise routine, trying to clear her head.

When Herschel finally came out of the bedroom, he found her covered in sweat, on her hundred and fifty-first chin up. “You’ve got killer arms, you know? That’s really sexy.”

She glanced at him in annoyance, and he held his hands up. “Sorry, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I should probably do a little exercise myself or I’m going to be very uncomfortable when I have to go back to gravity. Mind if I use that after you’re done?”

Anita held her grip for a moment, then lowered herself to the floor. “Be my guest,” she signed. “Might want to wipe it down first.” She washed herself off, and went to the computers. Her cameras couldn’t show as much during Titan’s long night, but most of the sensors didn’t rely on visuals for their reports. Everything seemed normal. There was no sign that Perses knew she was here at all. And there had been no sign of Hersh’s ship, either. Whatever he had done with it, it was effective.

There were no messages from her team or anyone at Kerguelen Base. It wasn’t surprising, given Jay’s last message, but it still hurt. And it was even worse, because she couldn’t get anything done as long as Hersch was here. She should never have agreed to let him stay, if for no other reason than that she was losing an entire week of work on the second suit.

But then, he had taken a nap the day before, and today he was exercising, so he would be tired. Maybe he would nap for an hour or so. It wasn’t much time but it would let her work on the suit for a while.

It took Herschel two more hours to get tired of exercising and finally settle in for a nap. Anita tried to keep an eye on him without looking like she was taking any notice of him at all. Once he had caught her looking at him, and grinned. It would help if he wasn’t so damn attractive, she thought. But finally he announced that he was taking a nap, as he announced most of his actions. The only other person she knew who generated that amount of noise without even trying was Jay.

She peeped into the bedroom, and could hear Hersch snoring. Good enough. She snuck the rolled up blanket out from under her bed and walked quietly into the back room with the spare parts. There weren’t as many good hiding places here, but most of what she would need to work with was in here. She spread out the suit and got to work.

It was a relief to work on something again, to be moving forward, even when the goal was uncertain. She slid the seamer down the junction between two pieces of suit fabric, joining them. She pulled at the seam to test it: it held. She moved the device onto the other side of the seam and began flattening it against the inside of the suit.

Anita’s focus narrowed until the suit was all she was thinking about. Seam, flatten. Seam, flatten. The suit was taking shape; a three dimensional form from disparate two-dimensional planes of fabric. A sort of alchemy.

“So this is what you’re doing out here?”

She clapped a hand against her mouth to suppress a shout, and whirled around. Hersch leaned against the door frame; she didn’t know how long he’d been there. Idiot, she told herself. You got tunnel vision. Now you have a real problem.

“What is it?” Hersch craned his neck to get a better look, but Anita wrapped everything back up in the blanket. “Hey, I’m sorry, I really wasn’t trying to pry. I was just wondering where you were, and then I got here, and you were so wrapped up in it. Do you know what you look like when you’re focused like that? It’s pretty incredible.”

The picture Tohru had taken flashed through Anita’s mind, and her cheeks flamed. She didn’t want to think about this stranger seeing her like that. It was too much. She grabbed the rolled up blanket and pushed past Herschel. He let her go, not moving from the doorway. She stuffed the blanket under her bed again, knowing that it wasn’t much of a hiding spot anymore.

A droplet of water splashed onto the floor, and she was confused under the chill soaked in and she realized she was crying. Even worse. I can’t let him see me upset. She wiped her eyes and breathed deeply. In a few minutes, her emotions were under control again.

Now he not only knows I’m here, she thought, but he knows I’m building something. He’s smart enough to know that it looks like some kind of suit. Thank goodness I hadn’t started the wings yet.

She avoided Herschel for the rest of the day, but he didn’t seem to have his usual need to be in the same room, content to let her have her space. Anita ate dinner alone and in silence, and went to bed. She lay there silently, running various scenarios over and over, trying to find a way out of the mess she’d found herself in.

She heard a faint sound at the door, but didn’t roll over. It was Hersch. She didn’t want to see him. She felt her thin mattress sink as he sat down on her bed. “I’m really sorry, Christine. I want you to know that I really didn’t mean to cause you any distress. If I could take it back, I would.” He laid a hand on her back, and she froze. It wasn’t a sexual gesture, but his hand was warm and human, and she could feel the flames begin to rise.

“I promise you, I don’t mean you any harm. I’m not working for anybody but me. I hate seeing anyone trying to live like this, trying to live like you don’t exist. I want to help, but I think I did the opposite of that today. Can you forgive me?”

Anita’s mind raced. She wanted him gone. She wanted him to embrace her. She wanted to be out of this hole, back in her old life where she didn’t have to make choices between one hell or another. She turned and met his gaze, saying nothing.

“Please, forgive me. It won’t happen again. I’ll stay out of your way and let you do whatever you need to do.” His thumb moved back and forth over Anita’s back, in what he probably meant as a comforting gesture. Anita grabbed his hand and brought it to her face. His touch ignited the flame there, too. His hands were soft, much softer than hers. She ran a palm along his arm, feeling the muscles underneath.

She turned over and reached for him. Herschel looked surprised, but didn’t protest. Anita closed her eyes and felt his arms tighten around her waist, the flat of his hand flush and hot against her back. She shifted her weight until her body was just under his; the heaviness of him was comforting, somehow. In another moment, his shirt was off, and she was running a hand long his torso, feeling his ribs. His skin was so much softer than she had expected; it felt powder-smooth under her hands.

Then she found herself locked in a deep kiss, and froze. Touch was one thing, but this was something else. Was it good? She wasn’t sure. She had enjoyed kissing, once, she knew. But it had been so long. Her hands faltered, uncertain, and she wasn’t sure what to do with her tongue. His mouth felt sure and firm, his tongue soft and active.

All the flames that had tormented her for months were put out suddenly, leaving only cold behind. I’m broken, she thought as she desperately tried to remember how this physical dance went, it’s been too long, I’ve been alone too long.

Herschel pulled back, and Anita found it difficult to meet his eyes. “Hey, it doesn’t feel like you’re comfortable with this. Are you ok?”

How the hell do I explain that one? Anita thought. She signed, “It’s been a while. Let me just leave it at that.”

“You don’t have to explain anything you don’t want to. Here, I can just stay with you. Can I put my arms around you again? Ok. There we go.” They lay back down, her back pressed into his chest, Herschel holding her closely. Anita was asleep in minutes.

She woke up in the middle of the night, disoriented. The bed was familiar enough, but the sleeping form beside her was not something she expected. It took a few minutes for the pieces to fall into place. She reached out and ran a hand across Hersch’s shoulder. He stirred, then went back to sleep.

Fantasies are awkward things, Anita thought, not moving her hand from the other’s sleeping body. I’ve thought about this scenario hundreds of times. Hell, I’ve been unable to shut it down, no matter how hard I tried. And now that it’s happening, I can’t seem to participate in it. I don’t know what to do. I think I did one time, but maybe that was just a fantasy, too. She pulled away from Herschel and huddled on the far end of the bed. Maybe I’m too broken to be fixed. When no one is available, all I want is to get my hands on someone. When I find someone with no moral complications, no ethical barriers, I freeze up and want to get away. I’m pretty sure that’s not sane.

She rolled over and stared at Herschel again. He was attractive deep in sleep, all his features relaxed and soft. Anita reached out and gently touched his face again. Still no flames, no response from her body at all. But the intellectual desire remained: he was attractive to her, and there were no ethical reasons not to engage in whatever form of physical intimacy they desired.

His eyes flickered open and he covered her hand with his, kissing her palm. “Hey. Something wrong?”

She shook her head, and pulled her hand away.

“I’m sorry, I truly don’t mean to distress you. Would you prefer I slept in the other bed again?”

Anita shook her head again. I wish I knew how to explain to you, she thought. I wish I could let you see how much I want you. I’m not even sure how to explain it to myself. I don’t know where the flames went, when they were so strong and unstoppable a little while ago. I want so badly to give in, to burn with someone else, to just jump into sensation and feel everything. But I can’t feel anything right now, I just shut down. Finally, she signed “I can’t explain it right now. But please stay.”

He nodded and pulled her close again, falling back asleep within minutes. Anita was still wide awake, body fully aware of the body pressed against hers. The sense of attraction like gravity remained: it felt almost like her body was sinking into his, drawn by a gentle but constant force. The intense urges she had fought with others, the desire to see their bodies, to reach out and touch them while sleeping, were still present in a cerebral way, but they were no longer the physical compulsions they had once been.

The night seemed to take forever to pass, but finally the alarm sounded for morning, and Hershel rolled out of the bed to get dressed. Anita stepped into the tiny bathroom to have a quick wash, then got dressed. She tried to go about her usual routine—breakfast, exercise, working on the suits when Herschel was elsewhere—but it felt wrong. Like something was off-kilter or out of place. Anita usually fell into a comfortable rhythm with her exercises, but that day each one felt like an exceptional amount of effort, unbalanced instead of smooth. The suit components felt awkward in her hands, and she made several mistakes that had to be undone before the pieces could be attached to the suit fabric successfully.

She sat and stared at the rest of the suit, and realized that her mind was simply too unfocused to work on it at all today. Better to leave it for a day until she could back in a good headspace. She couldn’t afford a single mistake on one of these suits, and it was all too easy to miss something when she was distracted. She packed the materials away, though she was no longer particularly concerned that Herschel would sell her out, and went into the computer room.

There were a few messages to go through. She had always let them play across the speakers before, since no one but members of her team had ever been around. But now she plugged a set of old headphones into the computer to listen. She trusted Herschel, for the most part, but some things were private.

Most of the messages were text, easily read and deleted. Another supply run was being planned in a week or so, but it hadn’t been decided who would bring the goods, since several of the schedules were still up in the air. Apparently, Perses was trying to play their cards closer to the vest and only releasing scouts’ missions and schedules a few days before they were to head out. There had been some protest and more than a little push back: Perses had tried to issue missions and schedules on the day a scout was supposed to take off, but even Themis’ leadership, usually cowed by Perses’ money, had insisted that their people needed more time to prepare, both for physical and psychological safety.

But there was another message from Jay. No video, but there was an audio file. Anita wondered where they had recorded it; clearly not in their office. It was a lot of trouble to go to, why they could have just sent a text message instead.

“Hey Anita,” the recording began, Jay’s voice slightly distorted by the electronics. “Looks like I managed to sneak another one out! I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this again, but I had to take advantage of the opportunity, right? So here’s what’s going on. I’m pretty sure Perses has some kind of dirt on me now, but they’re not using it yet. I think I’ve given enough clues that I would make it more difficult than it’s worth to try to get to you through me, but I don’t really want to rely on that. I’m going to have to mostly play by the rules from here on out if I’m going to be able to have the resources I need to keep getting stuff out to you.”

The recording went silent for a moment, and Anita could see Jay’s face with the look they always got when they were concentrating hard. “I’ll be honest with you, Anita, I thought we could keep this supply chain going on indefinitely, but I’m not sure about that anymore. We’ll keep it going for as long as we possibly can, and of course we’ll give you as much notice as possible if things are about to dry up. I’m working on a plan b right now, and an escape route, but it’s not pretty. It’s really a last resort. I hope you’re working fast on those suits, we’re going to need them. I’ve got the beginnings of a plan in place to finally get Perses out of here, but the main thing we need is time. I can get you the rest of the fabric you’ll need on the next supply run. Engineer like the wind, woman, engineer like the wind.”

The recording ended, and Anita felt her stomach sink. Of course she hadn’t been working on the suits as hard as she could have. The second one could have been easily finished by now, but she’d been so focused on herself and her personal problems. There was no time to worry about “head space” or intimacy issues. The suits needed to be done, or things would get very very bad.

Anita made a solid lunch full of protein and ate at the kitchen table, then washed her hands thoroughly and began to work on the suit again. Her mind felt much more clear and focused this time. She wasn’t sure what sort of desperate escape plan Jay had been concocting, but finishing the suits up before it was needed was almost certainly preferable.

When she looked up from the suit, her neck and back were stiff, and her shoulders ached. She wrapped the project up again and rolled her shoulders, trying to loosen the tight muscles. Herschel knocked on the wall next to the door, standing so that he could not see into the room. “Is it safe for me to come in?” Anita stood and met him at the door, nodding. “Thank you,” she signed. “I appreciate the privacy.”

“Hey, I said I didn’t mean to intrude and that it wouldn’t happen again. It won’t. I was just letting you know that I was heading to bed, so I won’t be underfoot around the base for the rest of the night.”

Anita glanced at the time. It was later than she thought. Better stretch a bit to loosen those muscles and then get some sleep. If I can. She nodded to Herschel and smiled. He returned the nod and went into the back room of the base. Anita began her usual stretches, wincing. Her back wasn’t usually that stiff, even after a lot of work. She must have been holding herself in a different way while she worked. She’d have to watch that; a lot was riding on her work, but holding tension would wreck her ability to perform it.

After working out the stiffness in her joints, Anita went into the bedroom. Hersch was in his own bunk again, but watched her as she came in. Anita wondered if he was waiting for an invitation. Then she wondered if she was going to issue one. She grabbed her sleeping clothes and moved to go to another room to put them on, then paused. Why bother? She stripped her jersey dress off in a practiced motion and stepped into the warm pants she wore to bed, and pulled on the matching shirt. Not exactly sexy lingerie, she thought, laughing to herself. Relax, Anita, he’s not interested in anything more than a warm body right now, and neither are you. A sweatshirt won’t interfere; no one here is concerned with how you look.

She sat on her bed, pulling the covers back. Hersh followed her with his eyes, but said nothing, and made no move to get out of bed. Finally, Anita, waved him over. In moments, they were in each other’s arms again.