Chapter 21

After it was over, Hersch fell asleep almost right away, but Anita couldn’t sleep. As her breathing calmed and her body returned to normal, she noticed a few spots of soreness that were increasingly uncomfortable. I guess it really has been a while, she thought, wincing. The weight of the double blankets had become excessive, and she tugged the top one onto the floor. Better.

She turned on her back and stared up at the bottom of the bunk above her. Her desperate need for touch had begun to lessen with every encounter, but each one had also brought to light a big problem. It had been years since her last serious relationship, and while this wasn’t a relationship, it did require communication from both participants. And she had forgotten the words to communicate. She didn’t know how to articulate what she wanted. Worse, she wasn’t sure she actually knew what she wanted anymore. Her old body might have known, though she suspected the same problem would have existed then, but she definitely didn’t know what the new one wanted.



On top of that, the sheer isolated had changed the way her body responded. She had spent so long trying to shut down the desires that had threatened to destroy her, but she had done too good a job. Now that an acceptable target of desire had presented himself, her body no longer knew how to respond as it should. The feeling of flames was only skin-deep after all; the internal fires had been banked, perhaps for good.

The fires inside might be stirred to life again, she mused, if I had the words. But I don’t know how to talk about this body. I don’t remember how to talk about my body at all. I certainly don’t know how to talk about a body that I don’t really like. I want to be touched but not seen.

She looked over at Herschel sleeping peacefully beside her. She envied his unwavering confidence in his own body, his own ability to satisfy and be satisfy. Had she had that once? Maybe. If so, it hadn’t been something she was consciously aware of. She was painfully aware of her lack of it now.

Anita slipped back into sleep, not waking until the alarm went off. Two more nights, she realized. Then Hersch will be gone and I’ll be alone again. She wasn’t sure if she was anticipating the return of isolation or dreading it. These nights were comforting and a good release of stress, but having him was very complicated. And he certainly couldn’t be here when the next scout arrived. She could risk a certain amount of danger for herself, but never for her team.
The day proceeded much the same as the previous day, but when dinner came, Hersch looked more serious than Anita had seen him before. He placed a plate of hot food in front of her, and sat down. “Christine, I need to talk to you. I wanted to talk about this now, because I have to be leaving soon, and this needs to be discussed before then.” He took a moment to gather his thoughts, then continued. “I know we talked about this being just a physical thing, and I’m ok with that, and if you want to keep it that way, I’ll be fine. But the truth is that I like you a lot. I like spending time around you, even though I still don’t understand why you can’t just talk to me.”

He drummed his fingers on the table, and Anita had a hard time catching her breath. She should never have let him stay, of course this was a possible risk, how had she not seen it coming? Hersch continued, “I don’t eavesdrop on your messages. I’ve never tried to access your computer in any way. But I get the definite sense that you are not safe here, and you’re looking for a way out. I don’t think anybody would be in this place if they weren’t hiding from something or someone, and I believe I can help.” He leaned forward. “My own company, Eos, has a great deal of resources nearby, and my family has enough financial clout to accomplish pretty much anything we need to do. I’d like to think we’ve never misused it, but that’s not for me to say. At any rate, we do have the ability to get you out of here. I’ve been making discrete inquiries, and we can get you and any supplies you need here moved to one of our facilities without anyone else knowing about it. But we’ll need to arrange for it now, because it will be much more difficult if we wait for daylight. So, I am asking you to come with me, both to get you out of a bad situation and to be with me, because I very much want to be with you.”

Anita sat back, stunned. Whatever she had expected him to say, this was not it. Her first reaction was to say no, to insist that he leave alone as soon as the sun came up. But when she reached inside, she also knew that she needed to find a way out of the base, and this was almost certainly preferable to whatever “plan B” Jay had concocted. Even Jay hadn’t sounded enthused about that one. And Hersch was right, if he was telling the truth about who he was, his family and business connections would give her better cover than any power she could call on. It all comes down to money, again, she thought. Despite her misgivings, it would be a smart move to leave with Hersch to keep her work safe.

But the relationship was another thing entirely. She had kept her emotions away from him as much as possible, and couldn’t have said what she actually felt about him. She wasn’t sure how she did feel, for that matter. He was kind and considerate as a lover, and that was something in his favor. He was interesting to talk to, even when she had to respond in sign. She could do worse. But a relationship?

Herschel let her sit and think for as long as she needed. Finally, Anita straightened up and signed to him, “Yes, I will go with you. I do need to be away from here as soon as possible. But I don’t know about a relationship yet. That’s not a no. But if it’s going to happen, I’m going to need more time, and I don’t want to go with you under false pretences. If no relationship means no getting away from the base, I understand.”

He nodded. “That’s fair, and I appreciate your honesty. The offer of getting you out of here doesn’t have any strings on it. You can have your own space when we get out, and I’ll stay out of your rooms unless specifically invited in. I hope you’ll come to feel the same way I do, but you can take your time about it. And if it never happens, well, I had to try, right?” He grinned, and she couldn’t help but smile in return.

He reached over and grabbed her hand; his skin felt warm and soft against the callouses on her own hands. “I’m glad you’re coming with me. I’ll do everything I can to help. Let me contact my people and get everything set. You’ll want to start packing tomorrow. And I assume you have a schedule of satellites you’re trying to avoid? I’ll send my messages when they’re on the other side of the moon.” Anita nodded, and led him to the computer room. She quickly pulled up the satellite schedule, and waited while he made notes. “Looks like I can send something in a couple of hours; there’s a few satellites passing too near for my comfort. I’ll stay up and send that later.” He stood up and cupped her face with his hand. “In the meantime…” He leaned in and began kissing her, working his way down her neck. She gasped quietly, and clenched her fingers in his hair.

He pinned her against the side of the computer bank with his hips, continuing the kisses, until he pulled the front of her dress down and put his mouth on her breast. Anita was acutely aware of the warmth of him on the front of her body, and the chill of the cold metal seeping through the fabric of her dress and onto her back. There was something incredibly exciting about the contrast, and she felt herself shiver with delight.

“That’s the nice thing about low gravity locations,” he murmured into her hair, sliding his hands under her dress, sliding his warm palms across her body. “You don’t really have to have a bed for certain things.” She felt his hands exploring her body, and clutched him tighter. Something in her wanted to respond with more intensity, but again she felt herself hit an internal wall, unable to break through. She wanted the same confidence she saw in him, wanted to move her hands over his body, touching everything. But something made her keep her hands in the areas that felt safe, the ones that were less intimate: his back, his chest, his face. Anywhere else felt too risky: it would ignite those fires deeper inside and then she really might lose control. No, best to keep her hands where she felt comfortable.

She felt his breathe hot against her neck and pulled him closer. He pulled her legs up and over his hips, bringing her in closer. Anita felt her breathing become shallower and more rapid, and the blood racing in her veins. The cold no longer mattered.

After they had moved to the bedroom, they lay in bed in a quiet embrace, enjoying the warmth and company. Neither felt the need to speak. After a while, Hersch got up, explaining that he needed to send the message to his people, but that he would be back. Anita curled up in the warm spot in the middle of the bed, feeling her muscles relax into the relative comfort of the mattress. She hoped it wasn’t too much of a mixed message to have such an intense physical encounter with Hersch after denying him the relationship he wanted. But she had been clear, and he had accepted her terms; if he was hurt now, it was his own fault.

She dozed off for a while, but woke when he returned to the bed, slipping in beside her. “Did you send it?” she signed. He nodded. “It’s done. They’ll have someone here for us just before daylight. I’ve got the exact time set and we’ll go over the schedule in the morning. For now, just rest. You’re going to get out of here, and you’re going to be safe.”

Safe. The concept seemed laughable now. She hadn’t been safe in months, and just getting away from the base wasn’t safe by any means. But it would be safer, and that was something. And being around people again, even if she couldn’t talk to them…

People. Suddenly she sat up in bed, signing frantically. “Whoa, slow down, I’m not that good, I can’t follow you,” Hersch responded. Anita tried again. “My team. I need to contact them. They won’t know where I am. They have someone coming soon, and every trip they make here is dangerous.”

Hersch nodded. “Right. Of course. I’ll make sure we contact them.” He paused, and looked in her eyes. “I’m going to need you to trust me enough to give me the name and location of one of your contacts. I know that’s a risk for you. Hopefully by now you know that you can trust me.”

Anita felt cold. If this was all a ploy, this was the moment it had been building toward. Jay was the obvious point of contact, but they were also the lynchpin. If Perses got to Jay, everything else would fall apart. But then, if it was a ploy, then they already had her and all of her suit designs and the completed suit. Why would they need Jay? It might be a risk, but it wasn’t a stupid one. Anita took a deep breath and signed, “Dr. Jay Knowlton at Kerguelen Base. They’ll get you anything you need.”

“Will they trust me? I wouldn’t trust someone contacting me out of the blue.”

Anita thought for a little while. What was something Hersch could tell Jay to indicate that she was behind the message, without giving him her real name? She trusted him, but the fewer people who knew her name, the better. At least for now. She thought back to the early days of their friendship on Kerguelen, when she had been more likely to keep to herself than to go out for food and drinks with a friend. Jay had seen something in the quiet engineer and kept asking her to eat in the cafe or get a drink in one of the tiny restaurant kiosks. They had always prefaced the invite with, ‘I know you’d rather ait in your room with a book, but life is calling. Pick up the damn phone.”

Anita signed, “Tell them ‘Life is calling, pick up the damn phone.’ They’ll know it’s me, or at least be able to guess. That should get you enough access to explain what’s going on. And I don’t think any of the people who might cause problems would know that’s a signal.”

Hersch nodded. “It’s good. Sounds nice and casual. Hell, even I don’t know whatever meaning you’ve got behind it. I can send it on public channels in the morning. I’d rather not have anything sit on a server overnight, if I can help it, even if it is a safe message.”