Chapter 20

Anita felt herself lock down again as soon as Herschel slid his arms around her. You wanted this, she reminded herself. You still want this. Wake up! Feel something.

She kissed Herschel, trying to remember the flames that had been there so recently. Could he tell that she was faking it? Well, not faking it. That wasn’t accurate. But it wasn’t organic and spontaneous, either. She kissed him again, trying not to despair. This had worked before, she could find that part of her again if she tried hard enough.

Herschel’s hands were warm on her back again, and as soft as she had remembered. Flames or no, it felt good. She pressed against him, pulling his shirt up to move her hands over his chest. He kissed her, more gently than the first time, and it felt less awkward this time. They moved back under her blankets, avoiding the chill air of the base.

Anita suddenly wondered about the physics of lovemaking on Titan. The lower gravity could be a real problem. On Mars and Earth, staying on the bed was not generally a problem, but here? Maybe they would have to add the weighted blanket from his bed to the pile.

She returned to the present moment to find him kissing her neck, his breath hot against her skin. It tickled, and she tried not to squirm. She could feel him hard against her. She tapped his shoulder to get his attention, and he pulled away so he could see her hands.

“I need you to know this isn’t a relationship,” she signed. “Yes, I’m craving intimacy and touch and everything physical, but I am not going to get attached to you. I need tonight to not include sex, not yet. I’m not a damsel who needs recusing. I just want to feel human closeness for a while. And then you’re going to leave when the sun comes up in a few days.”

He nodded. “I’m ok with that. Thank you for being clear. How are you right now, are you ok to keep going?”

For answer, she reached up and kissed him, putting a hand on the back of his neck to pull him down to her.

She slept until morning. The intimacy of the night before had been a little easier than the first time they had tried, and she felt better about it. They were both clear: it was not a relationship, it was simple physical need, and it would be over when he left. Surely a week of physical pleasure would be enough to keep the flames at bay during the lonely times ahead.

However long those might be. She remembered Jay’s message, and wondered if she had months of isolation ahead, or only weeks. Jay probably didn’t know, either. They had indicated it might be physically strenuous, and she didn’t want to lose the current toughness she had acquired. As uncertain as she was about it, it might be needed. She took down the current schedule she had posted in the kitchen and began to make adjustments. Everything had to be about the suits and about keeping ready to run at a moment’s notice. She would spend just enough time exercising to maintain her current physique, but everything else would directed into the suits.

Hershel walked into the kitchen as she put the revised schedule up on the wall. “Hey. Is it ok if I do this?” He slipped his arms around her and pulled her into him. Anita wasn’t sure how to respond. In one sense, she almost resented it. Her focus was on the schedule, and intimacy was a distraction. But the warmth was welcome, and the sensation of touch was still very much needed. After thinking about it for a moment, she nodded, and relaxed into the embrace.

“Good. I’ve been wanting to do that for days.” He squeezed her again and let go. “Let me take care of breakfast this morning. I can see you’ve got a full schedule. I’ve got some work I can do that will keep me busy and out from under your feet today.”

“Thank you,” Anita signed. She went into the lab area to stretch for a few minutes, then began work on the suit again. She put all concerns about the possible necessity of escape from her head, and focused on the work in front of her. Even if she did need to escape quickly, this was the best use of her time. It was unlikely they would find another place that would let her work on the suits as much as the base did.

The work itself helped settle her mind. It was familiar, and did not require to think about how she felt about it. It was just there. Everything else faded into the distance. This was a world where things made sense. It was reassuring.

Anita worked on the suit for the entire day, taking breaks only to stretch and exercise a little, and eat a quick meal. By the time evening came, she was exhausted, but happy with the progress on the suit. She no longer bothered to put it away at night: if Hersh wanted to sell her out, he had more than enough information without it. She walked into the kitchen to find him putting a meal into the cooker. He looked up and smiled. “Hey! I’m getting dinner going, I hope you don’t mind. I used your ingredients, but I’ll leave some of my nutrition bars in return. I hope that’s ok.”

She nodded, and sat down at the table. The food was ready soon, and Herch distributed it between them, plates steaming in the cold air. He had combined soup, vegetables, and some jerky to make asort of casserole. It tasted decent, considering the ingredients involved, and it was hot, which made it much more desirable. Anita ate two platefuls, finding herself ravenous after a long day’s work.

Anita had already decided that after dinner would be time for stretches and rest, without anything strenuous. Overwork was as dangerous as not doing enough, and she needed to give her muscles enough time to rest so she wouldn’t be in danger of sprains or strains.

“Do you mind if I join you?” Anita looked up from her stomach crunches to see Hersch standing over her, pointing to an empty spot on the floor. “I’m getting a little out of practice.” Anita nodded, unsure of whether he really wanted to exercise or to begin reaching for her again. She was even less sure which one she wanted.

The two worked in silence for a few minutes, Anita feeling highly aware of Herschel’s muscles rippling through his thin shirt. There was something about the way the waistband on his pants sat just above his hips…

He caught her looking and grinned, then reached over and grabbed her hand. “I think I’m pretty warmed up. How about you?” She gripped his hand and pulled him to her. Let’s go, she mouthed silently. In another moment, his mouth was on hers, and her hand was on the back of his neck, holding him into the kiss.

Hersch’s hand slid along her back as it had before, but then he drew it up along her ribcage and onto her breast. It was like an electric shock, and her back arched, pressing into him. His kisses grew more intense, and Anita could feel herself beginning to respond, just a little. She stifled a moan: even now, noise was too risky. If she forgot that for a single moment, even in the midst of this, she could lose everything.

“Why don’t we move to the bed,” Hersch whispered in her ear, followed by a kiss on her neck. “Let’s just say that I have some experience with lovemaking in low gravity, and we’re really going to want those weighted blankets.” He stood, and offered her a hand to help her up. She stood and adjusted her shirt, then joined him in the bedroom. He had already begun to spread the blanket from his bed on hers. He stripped off his shirt and stepped out of his pants, and gestured toward the bed, taking a step back.

Anita froze. She didn’t mind him touching her body, but seeing it was another thing entirely. She wasn’t comfortable with the muscly body she had developed. The old softer one would have been fine; she was used to it. But this was different. He said he thought your arms were sexy, she reminded herself. Muscles aren’t an issue. And it’s not like you’re dating him. It’s just two adults taking some comfort in each other’s bodies for a little while. She slipped out of her pants, but left the shirt on as she crawled into bed. Hersch said nothing, and slipped into the bed after her.

The bunk was narrow for two people, but they made it work. “Would you prefer me on top, or do you want to be there? Or switch off?” Hersch asked her, rubbing a hand across her belly. She felt her stomach muscles tense as his hand ran over the muscles there; could he feel the defined abs? Did it bother him? You start, she signed. We’ll go from there.

“Fine by me.” He shifted his weight to pin her to the bed, and began kissing her again. Anita ran her hands along his shoulders, feeling the toned muscles there, the soft skin, the solid bones beneath it all. There was something glorious in the sheer physicality of him, the solidity of another human being sharing her space.

She felt his hand on her breast again, and pressed herself into it. “Tell me what you want,” he whispered, biting her ear gently, hands moving firm against her skin. I don’t know how to answer that, she thought. I don’t know what I want. If I ever did know, I’ve forgotten. We’re starting from square one here. She didn’t respond, just leaned up to kiss him again. He returned the kiss, then asked again, “Tell me what you want. I want to do what makes you feel good.”

Anita felt a lump settle into her throat. Even if she could find the words to explain that she didn’t know what she wanted, she wasn’t sure she could have communicated them. Hot shame flushed up into her face. How could a grown woman not know, not be able to articulate what she wanted during a moment of physical intimacy?

Hersch noticed her distress, and brushed a strand of hair away from her face. “It’s ok. You don’t have to say anything. Just let me know if I go somewhere that’s not ok, or you want to stop.” She nodded, trying not to let her embarassment show. And then they were kissing again, and the only thing she was aware of was warmth and touch.