Chapter 15

Twelve days after Jay’s message, Anita got the message she’d been waiting for. Frida would be making the next supply run, and she would be there in five days. If she could push herself to finish the suit in time, Frida could try it and test the design. If the designs were solid, she could begin constructing the next suits. Even if it didn’t work the way it should, she would know what to change. She would have solid data to go from.

Anita cut her exercise routine in half, and stepped up her work on the suit. The wings were joined together, and joined to the suit for a power test. All the pieces moved the way Anita expected, but it was impossible to tell how it would work on the surface, on a real human body, until Frida was in the suit.

On the scheduled day of the supply run, Anita was impatient. She hadn’t been given an arrival time to expect Frida, and didn’t want to leave the base for any reason. She sprinted around the base a few times to shed some of her nervous energy. She felt calmer, but her muscles were still tense and she found it difficult to settle in a focus on anything. The suit was ready for testing, and nothing productive could be done on it until the testing was done. She hadn’t realized how much the suit itself had helped her to keep mentally healthy. Without that to work on, she felt unmoored, almost purposeless. It’s an illusion, she told herself. Even if this suit is perfect, which it won’t be, there are six other suits to make up. You have the fabric spread out on the table to cut it into the next suit right after texting. Focus on the big picture.

When the perimeter alert sounded, Anita gave a sigh of relief. She waved to Frida when she landed a few meters from the entry hatch, and helped her get her suit off when she came in. She was tempted to hand her the next suit immediately, but held back. Frida would need to rest up before testing; it would be a long, tough day. They had a strict schedule to keep to in order to stay out of the scanning range of passing satellites. Anita had identified a small cave in the walls of the valley that could shield them long enough, so they wouldn’t have to go all the way back to the base, but they would have to watch the time very carefully.

Frida ran her fingers through her stubbly hair, and rotated her neck. “Man, it feels good to get out of that suit. I had to book it here to get us enough time, but we’re good. Is that the suit? Damn! It looks amazing! I can’t believe you made this whole thing out here without a proper lab or printer or anything.” Frida ran her hands over the new set of wings, and Anita’s heart rose. She showed Frida every centimeter of the suit, stressing the flatness of the seams, the lengths she had gone to make sure that the scouts would be comfortable and protected. A rumble interrupted her signing, and she paused. Frida put a hand on her stomach. “Oh geez, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was so hungry. Do you mind if we get some dinner? I’ll help you put away the supplies. Flying builds up the most massive appetite.”

It didn’t take long to store the supplies and make a quick dinner of soup and fresh greens. Both women ate heartily, Anita stopping only to sign answers to Frida’s questions about what life in the abandoned base had been like so far, and how she had produced the suit prototype. Both went to bed early, hoping to have as much energy as possible for the tests the next day.

Frida dropped off quickly, but Anita stayed awake, mind playing over all the tests they needed to accomplish the next day, going over and over the schedule in her head. There were two satellite passes; one that was only in range for a few minutes, but another that would fly directly overhead and require them to take cover for at least a half hour. They would have to be as deep in the cave as possible at that point, and she would need to keep an eye on the time to give them enough time to get to cover safely. She repeated the steps over and over until her eyes finally closed in sleep.

Morning came suddenly, and Anita sat up as the alarm sounded. Frida was already halfway to the kitchen, and Anita followed. The meal was mostly silent, though Frida asked a few questions to clarify the testing routines for the day. Both women suited up together, Anita checking the fit of Frida’s new suit. When she was satisfied, Anita picked up the collapsed wing set, put on her helmet, and joined Frida in the airlock.

The sun was almost overhead, judging from the dim glow through the atmosphere. The winds were steady and gentle. Ideal testing conditions. The walk to the valley was silent. Their comm system was tuned to the shortest range possible while they walked, but Frida avoided sound when possible as long as they were out in the open. They could open the range up a little during the test, but Anita knew she would have to give all instructions by signing before Frida took off. It was a cumbersome process, but it was the only way to give them the best chance of getting the tests without endangering the whole operation.

When they got to the center of the valley, they stopped, and Anita helped Frida attach the wing set and check the joints. “Yeah, it feels good,” Frida said softly, shifting her weight and rotating her shoulders to check the fit. “No problems so far. I think we’re clear for the first test.”

Anita nodded, and signed “Let’s start off small. Just go up to about twenty meters and bank in a circle, then come down.” Frida acknowledged the direction, and ran across the sand to get the maximum amount of lift. With a jump and a powerful pull from her arms, she lifted away from the surface and into the murky sky. The wings flapped a few more times to get her to the requested height, then she extended the wings to the full span to catch as much of the dense atmosphere as possible, banking slowly above Anita’s head.

It works, she thought. I really did it. I made a suit from memory and scraps, in a tiny underground base with no lab. I fucking did it. “Hey boss,” Frida’s voice came through the comm. “I think you kinda did it. This feels great. I think we may need to calibrate the controls just a little, but overall, this is good stuff. I feel like I could stay up here forever.”

Frida circled back down to the surface. Anita checked the time. An hour to the short pass. Time enough for another test. Anita directed Frida to go higher this time, dip down to within five meters of the surface, and go back up to a height of forty meters. Frida soared and swooped as the data streamed back to Anita’s tablet. So far, everything looked good, but she would pour over the numbers later, looking for any tiny sign that something might be going wrong.

When Frida landed, dragging her feet across the sand to create the friction to stop, Anita signalled that it was almost time for the satellite to pass. This would be the short, distant pass. The chances of it seeing them were very small, but there was no need to be stupid about it. The two carefully covered up their footprints on the floor of the valley and retreated toward the cave in the cliff wall, disguising their tracks as they went.

The cave got dark very quickly as they moved toward the back. On Mars, a cave of equal size would have been lit by reflected light a few meters further, but Titan was so far from the sun and had such a dense atmosphere that almost nothing was left to reflect off the cave walls. Anita had packed a cold light, but didn’t want to use on the first trip to the cave. This would only be a few moments. They would need it much more later in the day.

They watched the time carefully. The satellite was in range for a few minutes, and they gave themselves another ten minutes just to be completely safe, then re-emerged into the dim sunlight. The skies were murky and quiet as always. Golden brown clouds swirled overhead as Frida took flight again, soaring out over the valley.

They were able to test several other aspects of the suit before the next excursion to the cave. Frida tested the ability of the wings to handle sudden dives, pulling up from a dive in a certain amount of time, and other things that put pressure on the suit.

Anita looked out across the valley as Frida glided to the other end of it before rising further into the sky. It was like a painting, she thought, the atmosphere softening all the edges and providing a dull golden glow from the distant sun’s light. Frida’s flight was like a kind of dance with gravity, a delicate balance between earth and sky. For a moment, all other concerns fell away. I’m glad I was here to see this, Anita thought. I’m glad we did so much to make this moment possible. If everything else falls through, I’m glad for this.

And then it was time to take refuge again. The sky, which had seemed so beautiful and golden a few moments ago now seemed to lower with restrained menace. Somewhere up there, beyond where human vision could penetrate the haze, the eyes of Perses were circling, coming to find them. It was time to hide.

Once again, they hid their footprints as they made for the cave. Anita’s previous elation had been replaced by a sinking feeling in her stomach. I have to erase every sign of myself from the surface of this world just to continue to exist on it, she thought, tossing dust over her footprints until they were no longer visible. She paused at the mouth of the cave, looking out across the valley. Not a footprint remained to show that they had been there. One minute until the satellite would be in range. She turned away from the dim light and retreated into the safety of the darkness and cold.

Anita and Frida huddled in the back of the cave, deep within the cliff walls of the valley. Anita turned on the cold light, casting strong strange shadows around the little chamber. Though the comms had been dialed back to communicate over as short a range as possible, neither woman felt like taking the risk of having a signal get picked up, and signed to talk.

“Is this what it feels like for you every day?” Frida signed, gesturing to the cave. “Being alone and not able to communicate with anyone? More than a week or two of this and I think I would be throwing caution to the wind just to not be alone anymore. I can handle it when I’m out in the field because there’s always someone there at the other end of the comm when I need it. It doesn’t really feel like being alone. This does.”

Anita hesitated. How could she possibly explain? No human language she knew of, signed or spoken, could convey what the prolonged loneliness felt like. How could she find the words to talk about the routines she’d picked up to try to save her mind and which had forced her body to change beyond recognition? She’d been looking forward to having Frida around for a few days, assuming it would ease the loneliness, but right now, it was only emphasizing it.

There would always be this part of her that would cut her off from the people she knew. Even if their mission succeeded and everyone survived and she returned to her old life, she herself would never be the same. Deep inside, she would always know what it felt like to be desperately alone, would always know the trauma of isolation and the horrors of having her body change until she no longer felt like herself. If she returned to the softer body she had once had, would she always be aware of the muscles and bones underneath them, waiting to rise to the surface?

She jolted at a touch on her shoulder and realized Frida had tapped her to see if she was ok. “Sorry,” she signed, “I was just thinking about something. And yeah, I guess this is kind of like my day to day life right now. But there’s more to it that I can’t explain right now. Maybe after it’s all over.”

Frida nodded. “That’s understandable.” She shifted on the rocky cave floor, and settled back in. “It felt so good to be up there in that new suit, by the way. The controls are amazing. It handles like a dream. I wish I could take it back with me; the regular suit is going to feel clunky after today.” Seeing the look on Anita’s face, she smiled, and signed, “No, no, I know why I can’t. But I’ll be so ready to be able to use it once I can, that’s all.”

The two fell silent, waiting for the all-clear alarm. The light was a blue-white shade that looked stark and cold to Anita, so unlike the soft gold light that she had become accustomed to on Titan. Still, it was better than sitting in complete darkness. She could hear the wind whistling softly across the cave entrance, but the mouth of the cave was just a dim brown circle of light in the distance. The minutes passed slowly, and Anita found herself growing unexpectedly sleepy. Normally, the chill that seeped even through her well-insulated suit would be enough to keep her alert, but the cave felt almost cozy and she had been so tense during the tests…

She didn’t think she had dozed off for long, but she woke to find Frida shaking her gently. The all-clear alarm was vibrating against her wrist. They made their way back out of the cave and into the warm light of Titan’s long afternoon.

There were only a few flights left to be made, and Frida flapped her way into the sky. Anita found herself staring at the scout’s lean body, eyes following the curves of the suit as it hugged Frida’s hips and legs, then moved to her arms, hooked into the wingsuit and powerfully moving herself through the sky. It was a different kind of beauty than she had ever found herself attracted to before, but the way the scout moved through the murky air was one of the most stunning things she had seen. Here was a human being who had the power to bring her intellectual concepts into the physical realm. A suit on a table was one thing. A scout using it to fly, to explore, to inspire, that was beautiful.

She felt the fire stir deep inside, and despaired.