Chapter 13

Despite the recent close call, Anita couldn’t keep away from the open surface of the moon, particularly during the seven days of light. Three weeks after Tohru had flown away, she slipped into her surface suit and pulled on her boots. The suit fit very strangely now, tight in all the wrong place and loose in others. But the seams were still solid, and she had no fear wearing it outside the base.

The warm color of the moon flooded across her face as she stepped into the airlock. She waited impatiently while the air vented back into the base and the outer seals opened, then stepped onto Titan. The ochre sands drifted gently across her boots, and the sun was about seventy degrees above the horizon, hidden from direct sight by the murky atmosphere. Probably should have waited a little longer, she thought, fewer shadows. But she didn’t care. It felt good to be outside again. Despite the deep chill of the moon’s surface, it always felt a little warmer, even with the sun so distant and cloaked by Titan’s atmosphere.

She looked over to her usual path toward the lake. It was tempting, but not today. Today, she felt the pull of the unknown, the need to see something she hadn’t seen a hundred times since she’d been at the base. My world has become so small, she thought. If I’m not careful, I’ll let it collapse in on me entirely, like a neutron star, and I’ll never really escape it again. She turned to her right, and began walking across the valley. Her feet left gentle impressions in Titan’s dust that gradually softened as sand drifted into them.

Anita had avoided the valley on her previous walks. The lake was more picturesque, more strange and unusual to her. The only liquid on the face of Mars was in carefully sealed pools and fountains inside the domes of the cities. Seeing so much liquid in one place, fitting into every little cranny of the ground around it… It was something to see. The way it rippled in the breeze. The way it looked different in different lights. The way it rippled at the shore even when the rest of it seemed mirror-smooth. But today she wanted something else, something she had not yet seen.

The valley didn’t appear much different than the rest of Titan that she had seen. Ochre dust everywhere, rocks and ice rocks scattered across the surface. Wind whispering across the surface. But it was soothing. Without the schedule of field tests or the terror of trying to get to the base during the escape, it was actually quite peaceful. She didn’t think she would ever get used to not being able to see all the way to the horizon, but the dark gold clouds that blocked the view also began to seem gentle, softening all the edges and making the world soft and warm. She knew that if she were to feel that atmosphere on her skin directly, the perception of warmth would be dispelled immediately, but the sensation was a pleasant illusion.

She bent down and scooped up a handful of sand, letting it run through her gloved fingers. Cocoa powder, she thought. It reminds me of cocoa powder. Anita laughed silently. A chocolate world, all here for me to enjoy. She brushed her hands and kept walking, checking the time periodically.

As she approached the far end of the valley, the cliffs loomed up over her head, clear and sharp against the cloudy backdrop. She wished she had her climbing gear, but of course, these hills could never be scaled. Not like that. Doing so would irrevocably change them, and the whole moon was to be protected from human interference as much as possible. Even walking across the valley was ill-advised, despite the layers of insulation in her boots, gloves, and suit that kept her heat signature from reaching the surrounding landscape. It was the Butterfly Effect as planetary policy: act as if everything you did on the surface of the world had far-reaching and unpredictable consequences.

This wasn’t my choice, she reminded herself. If they wanted me not to walk around on the surface, they shouldn’t have forced me into isolation in a tiny little underground base. Still, the idea that she might be damaging the world she loved stayed in the back of her mind.

The valley was quiet except for the sounds of the wind, and she stood for a long time, enjoying it. Even now, it felt so different from Mars. Mars was so quiet. You could stand on the surface for hours and hear absolutely nothing. The winds had no force behind them, and could barely even move the finest dust around, except for the quick-lived dust devils that whirled into life from time to time. She had never been near enough to one to hear it, though. The sparse atmosphere on Mars didn’t conduct sound very far. Even when walking, you tended to feel the crunch of your boots on the surface rather than hear it.

But living on Titan was like living in a giant, albeit cloudy and cold, domed city. She could hear everything. Sounds carried further than she could see. It was unsettling and incredible at the same time. What must it be like for those who had gone on to study under the ice on Europa, surrounded by water all the time, with the sunlight surface kilometers away? Or those who soared through the clouds far above Venus, soaking in warm sunlight but with no view of a planet’s surface at all?

The universe is so strange, she thought. Even our own tiny neighborhood has so many different ways of living, of experiencing it. What will it be like when we finally get to the worlds around another star?

The shadows had moved slightly by the time she began to walk back to the base. I must have been gone several hours, Anita thought, and glanced at the time. Over seven hours had passed since she left base, and she felt her heart beat faster. An alert would have sounded if she had been at risk of a known satellite going overhead, but it was still dangerous. And stupid. I can’t afford either, she thought, walking back as fast as she dared while still covering her tracks.

It took longer to walk back than it had to venture out to the valley, and Anita was completely exhausted by the time she got back. She quickly cleaned herself, expressing a futile and much-repeated wish for running water, and got dressed in clean clothes. It had been at least a week since she did any laundry, so she stuffed all of the dirty clothes into the cleaner and started it up. It was past the time she usually ate dinner, but not yet time to go to sleep unless she wanted to wake up sleepless in the wee hours of the morning. She put together a quick meal of meat and cheese, since her food supply was running low, then got to work on the suit.

Some of the joy had gone out of putting the suit together. Anita felt dull-minded and unfocused, as if half her attention were elsewhere. A suspicion that was confirmed when the computer dinged with an incoming message. Anita launched herself away from the kitchen table at a speed that surprised even her. There was no video this time, only a short text message. “Sv arriving in 10 Sorry for late notice, couldn’t be helped. J.”

Anita knew she should have been happy to hear that Steven was arriving in a few minutes, but she mostly felt anger at Jay. Why couldn’t it have been helped? Why had Jay still not sent another video message? Why had she been left on her own so long?

She was still angry when Steven arrived, but it had subsided to a low simmer. And it was good to see him; Anita had always done her best to never play favorites with her scouts, but it was inevitable that she would form stronger bonds with some of them than others. Steven was someone she had felt a kinship with from the very beginning. It was good to see him, regardless of the circumstances.

“Hey, doctor!” He grinned as he took off his helmet, once the airlock had sealed behind him. “How’re you holding up?”

Anita made a non-committal hand gesture and reached forward to help him out of his suit, like she had with every other scout who had come. As she reached out, the flames roared to life in her body, and she bit her lip to keep from crying out. She could see herself stepping forward, yanking Steven’s suit off and shoving him against the wall. She could feel what it would be like to press her hips against his, to feel him growing hard under her, to kiss him so hard it would bruise her lips. For a few seconds, ever fiber of her body cried out for it, demanded to touch, to be touched. Her head spun and she felt as thought her skin would go up in a bonfire at any moment.

Steven didn’t seem to notice the personal hell going on a few meters away. He stepped out of his suit and hung it up on the hooks near the airlock. He stepped over to Anita and gave her an intense hug. “I’ve got a whole lot of stuff for you. I know it’s been hard. Everything’s going to be ok.”

The feel of his arms around her banked the fire in her skin for the moment, but Anita knew it was only a temporary respite. The dangerous part was coming up as soon as it was time to sleep. But that could be delayed a little while longer, and maybe she could get herself more under control.

“Have you eaten yet?” Anita signed as she started to store the food supplies he had brought with him. He shook his head. “No time, had to fly like crazy to get here after I was out of range of their tracking. I was scheduled to eat after making camp tonight. I’ll have to leave in the morning, but if I could stay for a little bit of breakfast before I go, that would be great. I promise not to eat all your supplies.” He grinned, and Anita forced a smile. She had half-hoped he would need to leave in a few hours; at least when she was alone, no one else saw her struggle.

Will I even welcome the scout who comes next time? Anita wondered. This was the first time she had truly regretted having anyone stay overnight more than she had welcomed human contact. Just another change I don’t want, something else that’s being forced on me. First my body becomes this hulking monster, then my heart dries up. Maybe my mind will be the last to go, if I’m lucky. Just give me enough time to finish the suits, then I can go insane. I just need to hang on long enough to finish.

She helped Steven make a small dinner of soup and dried meat, and sat in silence as he ate it, sitting at one of the few places at the table that wasn’t completely blocked by suit pieces. “This is amazing work, doctor,” he said as he eyed it. “I can’t believe you can recreate something like that under these circumstances. When will this one be ready for testing?”

Anita shrugged. “A month, maybe two,” she signed. “It’ll fit Frida best, so it will have to wait until her supply run. I haven’t heard when that will be. And I still need to build the wings, though I don’t think that will take as long.”

Steven cleared up after dinner, and both headed to bed. Anita was exhausted from her walk, and scouts were always drained after an extended flight. She prayed they would both drop off to sleep quickly and spare her the night of torture she dreaded. But she had forgotten how chatty Steven could be, especially when he was excited about something.

“Hey, doctor,” he called across the room. “I wish you were able to be back at the base right now. I know Perses is being kind of an ass, but there’s so much good work still being done. I’ve been sent on so many great field missions, just getting an eye for the topography and marking stuff that looks good for further exploration. I mean, it’s literally my job to look for weird stuff on one of the weirdest surfaces in the solar system.”

Please shut up, Anita thought. Shut up, shut up, shut up, go to sleep. He didn’t.

“I wish you could see some of the things I’ve seen. Whole rivers of methane, emptying into the lakes. I’ve been near the South Pole and seen the edge of the vortex there. It’s like nothing I can describe; I had to have special gear just to be there for a few minutes, it was so cold. I could see the clouds of hydrogen cyanide with my own eyes. It was so beautiful. I have some pictures I can show you, but I wish you’d been able to see it for yourself.”

Anita tried to keep her breathing steady, feeling the coals under her skin begin to glow with heat again, and the first of the flames flicker to life. She couldn’t give any hint of this away to Steven. It would make him uncomfortable, and she had always believed that any expression of sexual interest from a teacher or other position of relative power or influence towards a student or worker was completely inappropriate. One could never be entirely sure that the other was responding freely; the power dynamics could not be ignored. But oh gods, she wanted to. She wanted to throw off the covers that held her down and dash across the floor. She would straddle him in an easy move and pin his head to the pillow with a kiss. She could feel the softness and warmth of his chest as her arms would move up it, sliding his shirt off. She would bury her face in his neck, inhaling his scent and kissing along his jaw line...

Anita pressed her face into her pillow and groaned. Steven was still talking about the things he’d seen on his flights, and she really did want to listen, but who could listen to someone talking when they were burning alive? She could close her eyes, plug her ears, but there was no way to turn off her skin, to unclench the tightness in her belly. It felt like a string was tied there, a hard knot, that pulled her toward the tall figure in the bed across the room. The pull was stronger than gravity, stronger than the weight of the blankets that held her to the bed. She grabbed the edges of the thin mattress and held on, forcing herself to stay put.

Eventually, Steven talked himself to sleep, and she heard his breathing slow and even out as he drifted away. He would likely sleep deeply, given the long flight. She released her death grip on the bed and rolled over. She shoved her hand into her underwear and began rubbing furiously; her body shuddered and shook, but there was no relief. She felt tears rolling down her face, hot against her skin. She fell still, unable to stop the flames that roared under her skin.

Before she knew what she was doing, she found herself on her feet and crossing the room. She stood by Steven’s bed for a long time, watching him sleep. She had never noticed how attractive he was. His brown hair was swept back from his head, tousled by hours in the helmet. His body was long and lean, with bones that stuck out a little in interesting ways. She could see his collarbone and adam’s apple distinctly. If she pulled back the blankets, she was sure she would see his ribs running down his torso, and his hip bones jutting out just above the waist of his pants. She felt a twinge and braced herself against the bed frame. It wouldn’t take much to pull the blankets down. He might not even notice; he was deeply asleep. His eyes flickered with the signature movements of REM sleep. She reached out a hand and gave a small tug on the hem of the blanket, then pulled back. No. He hadn’t given his consent to be seen like that.

She pulled back and clutched the cold metal bed frame. The air of the base made her shiver. Maybe it would help her cool down and stop burning. Her skin crawled with goosebumps that almost masked the itching sensations of desire. She gradually pried her grip away from the bed frame and made herself walk back to her own bunk. She spread herself out on top of the weighted blanket, letting the chill sink into her body. Exhaustion eventually took over, and Anita fell asleep.

When her morning alarm beeped, Anita opened her eyes. The fire in her body had gone out again, but she could feel like the flames lurking, banked deep inside, waiting to burst out at any moment. She would never be able to entirely trust her body again, at least when a warm human body was near. Maybe it would go away when she could rejoin society. Maybe.

Steven had rolled over when Anita’s alarm went off, and he rubbed sleep from his eyes as he sat up. “Good morning! How’d you sleep, doctor?” Anita smiled weakly and shook her head. “Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. I guess it must be weird to have someone here after so many weeks alone. Don’t worry, we’re going to try to step up the deliveries. They’re still looking for you, so it’s just a little tough. We’ll work it out.” He pulled on a sweater and got up. As he stood, Anita could see that she had been right: she could see his hips bones just over the waist of his pants. The fire stirred at the sight. She moved into the kitchen so she could look at something that wouldn’t make her want to assault a dear friend.

Making breakfast took her mind off her difficulties just enough to allow Anita to regain her composure. By the time they sat down to eat, she felt in control at last. Food helped, too. Fresh produce tasted good after a few days of dried meat and cheese with a little soup to round it out. Steven had already replaced the oxygen supply while she had made the meal, so there was nothing left to do but clean up the kitchen and see Steven off.

He suited up just outside the airlock. The suit skimmed the lines of his body, and Anita noticed how muscular his arms were in comparison to his thin frame. The suit softened the lines but she could see the muscles beneath the fabric. Like mine, she thought, flexing her forearm. We’ve got the same body, at least as far as arms go. Though I’m sure his shoulders are stronger than mine, given the flying.

He wrapped her in a hug as soon as the suit was secure. “I really miss you, doctor. I hope you know we’re all working hard to make it safe for you to come back. This isn’t forever.”

Anita leaned into the hug and held on as tightly as she dared. It wasn’t enough, not nearly, but it was something. There was warmth and human touch, just for a few minutes. She tried to soak it up, let it seep into her skin and down into the spaces in her bones, quenching the fires for a little while. She buried her face in his chest, smelling the dust and ice of Titan’s surface, and the faintest hint of Steven’s skin under all of that. Her nose was so awake to scents outside the small world of the base now, she marveled. Anything new was distinct and overwhelming. She inhaled deeper, trying to imprint the scent mix on her senses.

Finally, Steven squeezed one more time and let her go. She backed away, letting her fingertips trail across his suit until he was out of reach. “Oh, before I go, Dr. Knowlton wanted to know if there was anything else you need on the next run.”

Anita hesitated for a moment, and nodded. She held up a finger to let him know that he should wait for a few minutes, then went into the kitchen. She scribbled “send hormone suppressors” on a tiny scrap of fabric that couldn’t be used for anything else, and folded it over. She went back into the entry room and handed the note to Steven. He tucked it into his suit without looking at it, to Anita’s relief. “I’ll make sure they get it. We’ve got you, you’re going to be ok.” He smiled and tugged his helmet into place, sealing it into the suit.

Anita watched as Steven walked into the airlock, sealed the hatches, and eventually flew away. Only then did she let herself relax and sink onto the floor. She lay with her face against the cold floor, staring at the little drifts of sand that inevitably got in through the airlock. Every muscle ached with released tension. The effort of the previous day’s walk was evident in her legs, on top of everything else. Moving hurts, she thought to herself, tracing an abstract pattern in the dust. But if I don’t move, it’s going to hurt more tomorrow. She heaved herself into a sitting position, and began stretching.